There seems to be a recurring theme in everything I have experienced so far that keeps pointing me toward the fact that I need to make sure the Lord is first in EVERYTHING in my life. I am not exactly sure why that is the case-I thought I was doing okay, and I am not sure what it means necessarily, but that seems to be the way the Lord is pointing me. I don't think I have strayed from the Lord that I am aware of, and I know I am not involved in some secret sin, but maybe I just need to refocus everything on Him because maybe-just maybe there is more than I am experiencing already.
This stood out to me in three areas yesterday...
- PLAY-I loved yesterday morning's session. I think for some reason or another I have forgotten how to play. I need to rediscover that "inner child" within me. I am a goofy guy, and love to have fun, but I have found myself not being as "fun" as I used to be-whereas I used to be the first one to rush the stage or do something as crazy as possible, I have begun to move into a role where I seem to step back more, and I really don't want to be that guy. In fact I am sensing that I need to relax more and just have fun...its OKAY to have fun, you can be "childlike" and still be an adult and still relate to kids...so God, help me rediscover that inner child.
- FEAR-Doug talked about letting go of our fears by faith in order to be able to have authentic conversations and relationships in ministry. I think the biggest are for me is my sense of inadequacy. I have discovered this about me and it has haunted me for some time. What I mean by this is the sense of "I'll never be as good as..." For some reason I have always been afraid of stepping out in faith or I have backed away from things because I compare myself to others and think I am not as good as they are in ministry. I thought I had beat this a long time ago, but the enemy still puts that thought in front of me more than I realize and I think it keeps me from being as effective as I can be...so God has been showing me that it is okay to be ME. I'm the only one (thank the Lord some would say) and God uses me as ME, not if I am some carbon copy of someone else. So God help me to discover who I am.
- EMPTINESS-I have been going through the deeper learning track dealing with lasting in leadership since to put it easy, I am worn out, tired, and empty. I think now I am realizing that it is more related to 1 and 2 than anything, but I am being filled this weekend and discovering how NOT to be empty again in a short time. God help me to lean toward you to be filled instead of trying to fill myself with things that are not YOU.
So that's what I've learned so far...I still have a long way to go, but hopefully I am not alone. Here's to discovering who I really am in the Lord!